she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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