we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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