I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
