This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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