Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
