saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize