At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So here I am, sexting at work.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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