Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
