Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
