Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
