"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
