so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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