Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
