I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
