found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize