Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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