i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Randomize
