So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
