girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
