I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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