You smell like a Billy Joel song
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
