Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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