6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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