Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize