It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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