I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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