We need to rekindle our bromance
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
