At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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