Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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