I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
