How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
