I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
