you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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