I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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