I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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