paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
