cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Success! We fucked roommates!
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