i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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