Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
