Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
BRING THE BAGELS
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
