Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize