I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
