Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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