sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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