im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
