I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
