Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
