addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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