I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
