i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
