I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
