If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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