FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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