Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
