How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
