Pappa wants mamma naked
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
