He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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