I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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