My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
