I can feel you judging me through the phone.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
