He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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