I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
sarcasm needs its own font
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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