Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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