proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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